119 bad mood

i always fear dead when im lonely
my dad used to hug me at night
i had nightmares about feelings
i was wearing an old red dress from mother
and i had a strange feeling about love
like i was too old to get better
and then -in that strange dream of mine-
i realized i was a gold child
wearing black shoes
and soft cotton eyelash
and i stoped dreaming
my beauty home-made cloud came down
and i started the falling
and my dad is not here
(he wont be either)
and im so afraid
of dead
who is waiting me outside the bathroom
and im so blue right now
and he is not dreaming about me
and im so alone in this empty body
and i wish so hard i was here for puke myself
and i left my shoes outside the window
and if dead is here what can i say
and if its not a nightmare
how would i
know
what is
the way out
of this